Chafeeza

Domestic violence is often misunderstood because people tend to look for what is visible. Bruises, injuries, and physical signs are what most people recognize first. But abuse is not always physical. In many cases, the most damaging forms of abuse are the ones that cannot be seen from the outside but are deeply felt on the inside.

Abuse extends far beyond physical harm. It can show up as emotional and verbal abuse, such as constant criticism, humiliation, or threats that slowly wear down a person’s confidence and sense of self. It can also appear as psychological manipulation, including gaslighting or controlling how someone understands their own reality. Financial abuse is another form, where access to money or independence is restricted, making it harder for a person to leave or make decisions freely. Over time, isolation can also occur, where someone is gradually separated from their friends, family, and support systems. In some situations, coercive control develops, where a person’s movements, choices, and independence begin to feel monitored or limited in ways that are not always obvious to others.

These experiences affect women and men. Abuse does not discriminate, and anyone experiencing it deserves safety, clarity, and support. What makes it even more complex is that these patterns are rarely isolated incidents. They become systems of control that slowly reshape how a person sees themselves, their relationships, and their world.

For many people, leaving an abusive situation is not only about the relationship itself. It becomes layered with everything surrounding it, including religion and culture. Religion can sometimes be used to encourage endurance instead of safety. Cultural expectations can place pressure on individuals to stay in relationships regardless of harm. Phrases like “pray about it,” “marriage is sacrifice,” or “you must endure” can begin to feel like obligations instead of comfort or guidance. But faith, at its core, should never require someone to remain in harm. Love, spirituality, and devotion should not come at the expense of safety or dignity.

This pressure is often reinforced by deeper societal expectations as well. In many cultures, women are expected to hold relationships together at all costs, to be patient, to forgive repeatedly, and to maintain peace even when they are the ones being harmed. At the same time, men who experience abuse are often expected to stay silent due to stigma, shame, or cultural ideas around masculinity. This is where patriarchy becomes harmful for everyone. It creates silence around suffering instead of safety around truth. Endurance is often praised as strength, but recognizing when something is unsafe and choosing to leave is also a form of strength that is just as valid and often far more difficult.

One of the most misunderstood realities of domestic violence is why people stay. Research shows that it often takes multiple attempts before someone leaves an abusive relationship permanently. Studies and advocacy organizations report that it can take an average of about seven attempts for a person to leave for good due to emotional bonds, fear, financial dependence, safety risks, and hope that things will change. This is not because people do not understand their situation. It is because leaving is rarely a single decision. It is a process that unfolds over time, often with setbacks, hesitation, and returns before lasting separation happens.

There are many reasons people return. Financial instability can make it difficult to start over. Emotional attachment and trauma bonding can create a deep sense of connection that is hard to break. Fear of retaliation or escalation can feel very real and immediate. A lack of support systems can leave someone feeling isolated. Family or community pressure can influence decisions. And sometimes, there is still hope that change is possible, even after harm has occurred. This is why judgment has no place in these conversations. Understanding is what creates space for healing.

Domestic violence also does not always begin with physical harm. In many cases, it starts subtly and builds over time in ways that are easy to overlook at first. It can look like isolation from friends and family, controlling behavior around money or daily decisions, constant criticism or humiliation, or gaslighting that makes someone question their own reality. It can also appear as jealousy that is framed as love or protection, fear of how a partner will react to normal choices, or the feeling of constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. When a relationship consistently makes someone feel small, confused, or unsafe, that is something worth paying attention to.

I once lived in a first-floor apartment where I could hear a domestic violence situation unfolding above me. I remember hearing a woman screaming and the chaos that followed. It was clear she was trying to escape harm. The situation escalated until her family arrived and law enforcement was called. That night ended with him being arrested.

For a moment, it felt like intervention had changed everything.

But not long after, I saw her again. She had returned, and I remember noticing she was holding a newborn baby in a carrier. That moment stayed with me, not because I judged her, but because I began to understand how complex leaving can be. Even after visible danger, intervention, and family involvement, something can still pull a person back into a situation others may assume is simple to walk away from. It made me realize that domestic violence is not only about single moments. It is about cycles, emotional ties, fear, dependency, hope, and the deeply complicated process of trying to break free. It also reminded me that this can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, and support should always be available without shame.

One of the hardest parts of leaving is not always the relationship itself, but the pressure that surrounds it. Family expectations, religious interpretation, cultural judgment, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of starting over can all weigh heavily on someone trying to make a decision that is already emotionally and physically difficult. But staying in something that is harming you just to meet external expectations is not protection. It is survival without peace. And you are allowed to want more than survival.

If you are in or have experienced something like this, I want you to know this clearly. You are not weak. You are not trapped forever. You are not broken. You are a person who deserves respect, safety, and peace. You can stand on your own. You can heal. You can rebuild. You can love again in a way that feels safe and mutual. You can move forward without shame. Healing is not linear, but it is possible, and you do not have to rush it or do it perfectly.

One thing that often goes unspoken is that social media does not show the full reality of people’s relationships. It shows curated moments, highlight reels, and carefully selected pieces of life, not the behind-the-scenes truth. Because of that, it becomes easy to compare your life to what you see online and assume others are happier, more stable, or more whole than you are. But comparison is not truth. What you see is not the full story. Your focus does not need to be on what others appear to have. Your focus can be on building a life that feels safe, aligned, and peaceful for you.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers 24/7 confidential support, safety planning, and resources. They can be reached by phone at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788, and more information is available at thehotline.org. If there is immediate danger, calling 911 is the safest option.

Not every relationship that looks stable is safe. Not every expectation placed on you is meant for you to carry. And not every form of love is healthy love. But you are still here, and that means you still have time to choose yourself, rebuild, and create a life that feels like peace instead of pressure.

You are worthy of that kind of life.