Chafeeza

My contributions to Thanksgiving 2024 were purchasing the ham and making a holiday punch. After we gave thanks and inhaled our meal during our movie marathon, everyone began to give Kudos. Then the question was “Well what did Chafeeza, cook?” to which I responded nothing.

I don’t cook or bake for large parties. If I cook or bake something for anyone, it’s because I genuinely love you. I trust that you will be gentle with any feedback.

There’s a running “joke” amongst family that I often ignore about not cooking or cleaning. I’ve just leaned into it. Changing everyone’s mind takes way too much effort. It’s partially true as well.

There was a family member who volunteered to make the Mac N Cheese for Thanksgiving a few years back. Now when you volunteer, you just know your recipe and dish is world-renowned. You’ve perfected it. It’s good for mass consumption. Well this wasn’t, and now years later we are still talking about the disaster of this person volunteering. That will never be me! I just refuse and I’ve proclaimed many times.

I reflected internally and thought to myself, you have got to get over this. And that this is the fear of judgment.

I was in college when I noticed my mother was my inner voice. I would never forget. I was in the car at the gas station over 8 hours away from my mother. Yet, I was in tears on the phone with her. She had this mental power over me. I wanted to please her and when I fell short, she never hesitated to let me know. I can’t recall the exact conversation. But, the person I was with helped me at that moment. They also taught me how to reprogram my mind about conversations with my mother.

As a result of the relationship with my mother, I don’t want feedback, critique, none of it. Why would I expose myself to hearing something negative?

When I wanted to try something “risky” I heard a voice of fear.Imagine telling someone that you’re traveling to a new island/country/destination/wherever and their response is “Did you hear about the (insert ungodly crime)” or “Did you see the girl who got (insert ungodly horror story”. It was crippling.

When I think about my appearance, its a negative first thought or comment. My mother often claims she would stop traffic and I believe it, I’ve seen pictures. My father tells me stories. Since high school, I’ve had a poor relationship with food. I often told myself and others I wasn’t hungry to avoid looking gluttonous. I wouldn’t eat to keep a certain size. I would binge after starving myself for days at a time. To this day, if I think about food too much, I lose my appetite. I wanted to please her and look like her. I’ve abandoned that goal of pleasing her to give myself peace of mind.

Mental and Physical Health mean more to me than her approval.

I’m doing the work daily to reprogram my inner voice. The average person thinks 6,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. It’s very easy for about 75% of them to be negative. We have to talk to ourselves better.

In the past week, I made cookies for a loved one. I also made turkey sausage stuffed shells for my immediate family, a party of 5. Both dishes were expressions of my heart. I wanted them to be perfect. Hearing positive feedback is a confidence booster. It feels like, yea, you can bake and cook, and it’s going to be okay. Stop doubting yourself.

I also realized that without putting myself out there, I’m avoiding the negative comments. But, I’m also limiting my talents and the positive responses.

Special thanks to my siblings for allowing me to cook for them. They encouraged a food blog. It started as a joke, but who knows? I’m no longer limiting myself. My inner voice says try it.

Recipe: Stuffed Shells (One Box), Pizza Sauce, 2 cans tomato paste, Spinach, Parmesan, Ricotta, Mozzarella, Cream Cheese, Turkey Sausage Meat, Garlic + all your favorite seasonings oh and a lil brown sugar in the meat